Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
CUJO...but not really.
So this literally happened last weekend.
My adorable little gremlin, Stella hadn’t had a walk in forever. Matt and I were out all day and had plans to meet my parents for dinner so we agreed that I would be on walking duty if Matt was on cleaning duty. I had an ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach; for some reason when I walk Stella by myself, I always end up having some sort of conflict. “OK Stella, lets get this overwith.” I leash her up and we go outside.
It was a beautiful late Saturday afternoon and I was thoroughly enjoying my quiet time with the gremlin. I always want to unleash her but we have strict rules in our building that you must have your dog on a leash. It’s not an unfair rule to abide, considering the large amount of psychotic dogs that live in my building. However, time and time again I have seen these idiotic owners who feel like they are above the law and can have their stupid dog do and bother whatever and whoever they want.
I was standing there waiting for Stella to finish her poops and pees when I see out of the corner of my eye some figure charging toward us. At first it was just a tiny speck that I could barely make out, but the speck became larger and larger and soon I saw it was a Cavalier King Charles Terrier full out hurtling into us. Now I know this sounds silly because it wasn’t something scary like a Rottweiler or a Pit Bull, but this was clearly a special needs Cavalier King Charles Terrier loaded on steroids. It was running so hard its cheeks were flapping. It soon smashed its stupid face right up and into my gremlin’s ass, and Stella aint nobody’s bitch. She started growling which provoked the dog to hump Stella. I am clearly starting to lose it.
“HELLO???? Whoever owns this dog, can you please come get it??” I shouted across the dog park. At this moment I have Stella in my arms and the dog is humping MY leg. “Somebody, please get this dog away from me!”
“Ja, we’re comin, cheel out!” I look up and see from far away, there are 2 bitchy little men taking their sweet time to come over and get their dog. They are clearly in no rush, and about half an hour later they finally sashay over to where I am. They take their dog and walk away, no apologies or anything. I am in complete shock so I just walk away, Stella still in my arms, and go to the front of the park where I think it is now safe to let her go. And what do you know, as soon as I put Stella on the ground that dumb fucking dog is sprinting back over. “GET OUT OF HERE!” I scream at the little bitch, and I start kicking the dog (don’t worry animal lovers, I didn’t kick the thing hard, just enough to show him who’s boss). So here I am kicking this dog and these 2 morons are too high or stupid to care and don’t do anything about it at all! I mean if someone was kicking MY dog I would go ballistic on them. Maybe they appreciated the fact that I was kicking it because it was tiring him out. He finally leaves us alone and I go back upstairs, my whole body shaking. Matt sees me and knows something just went down. “What happened now??”
“These 2 idiots didn’t have their dog on a leash and it just attacked Stella and then myself and it was AWWWWFUL!!” I am literally about to cry, I am being so overdramatic.
“Well lets go down there and say something!” I say ok and follow Matt downstairs. We get outside and there they are, that dreadful beast and his bitchy dads.
“Do you guys live here??” I ask.
“Jes, we do.”
“Ok, well there is a rule here that you must have your dog on a leash at the dog park and you guys stood there and allowed my dog to be attacked by yours!”
“Oh pleeeease.” bitched the bitch. “Was jour doggy hurt?”
Matt is pissed off. “Ok we don’t need to hear any of your bullshit and we don’t need you to waste our time. Did your dog attack our dog or not??”
The other one started getting all uppity. “I no haf to leesten to jou!!” The other one was giggling and twirling his hair. Their dog was shitting on his foot but I didn’t have the heart to tell him.
“Yeah, well I don’t have to listen to you either!” Matt yells.
“No, I no leesten to jou, go away.” said the angry one. “Ya, go away, we no leesten!” said his sidekick.
“Well guess what assholes??” I shouted, “I am going to call the condo manager and tell him that you two were BREAKING THE LAW! You guys are fucked now!!” (Clearly, nobody was breaking the law, but these 2 weren’t the brightest colors in the box and I thought they would believe me).
I was still going off on the guys when they turned their backs on us and walked away. I guess they felt like they had the last laugh, but I wasn’t the one walking around with yucky on my shoe. I was exhausted, and just wanted to go back inside; my parents were on their way to our place and it still had to be cleaned. We took the elevator back to our apartment and when the doors opened, we were face to face with our friendly neighbor: Fred. “I can’t deal with you right now,” I said, feeling my headache increase. I stormed back into our place and poured myself a large glass of vodka on the rocks. “Are you going to help me finish cleaning?” Matt asked.
“Forget the cleaning,” I muttered. I decided to go online instead and find a doggy martial arts class. If Stella is going to be dealing with crazy dogs unleashed, it’s time for her to learn some self defense. And I really, really hope I don’t see those guys again.
My adorable little gremlin, Stella hadn’t had a walk in forever. Matt and I were out all day and had plans to meet my parents for dinner so we agreed that I would be on walking duty if Matt was on cleaning duty. I had an ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach; for some reason when I walk Stella by myself, I always end up having some sort of conflict. “OK Stella, lets get this overwith.” I leash her up and we go outside.
It was a beautiful late Saturday afternoon and I was thoroughly enjoying my quiet time with the gremlin. I always want to unleash her but we have strict rules in our building that you must have your dog on a leash. It’s not an unfair rule to abide, considering the large amount of psychotic dogs that live in my building. However, time and time again I have seen these idiotic owners who feel like they are above the law and can have their stupid dog do and bother whatever and whoever they want.
I was standing there waiting for Stella to finish her poops and pees when I see out of the corner of my eye some figure charging toward us. At first it was just a tiny speck that I could barely make out, but the speck became larger and larger and soon I saw it was a Cavalier King Charles Terrier full out hurtling into us. Now I know this sounds silly because it wasn’t something scary like a Rottweiler or a Pit Bull, but this was clearly a special needs Cavalier King Charles Terrier loaded on steroids. It was running so hard its cheeks were flapping. It soon smashed its stupid face right up and into my gremlin’s ass, and Stella aint nobody’s bitch. She started growling which provoked the dog to hump Stella. I am clearly starting to lose it.
“HELLO???? Whoever owns this dog, can you please come get it??” I shouted across the dog park. At this moment I have Stella in my arms and the dog is humping MY leg. “Somebody, please get this dog away from me!”
“Ja, we’re comin, cheel out!” I look up and see from far away, there are 2 bitchy little men taking their sweet time to come over and get their dog. They are clearly in no rush, and about half an hour later they finally sashay over to where I am. They take their dog and walk away, no apologies or anything. I am in complete shock so I just walk away, Stella still in my arms, and go to the front of the park where I think it is now safe to let her go. And what do you know, as soon as I put Stella on the ground that dumb fucking dog is sprinting back over. “GET OUT OF HERE!” I scream at the little bitch, and I start kicking the dog (don’t worry animal lovers, I didn’t kick the thing hard, just enough to show him who’s boss). So here I am kicking this dog and these 2 morons are too high or stupid to care and don’t do anything about it at all! I mean if someone was kicking MY dog I would go ballistic on them. Maybe they appreciated the fact that I was kicking it because it was tiring him out. He finally leaves us alone and I go back upstairs, my whole body shaking. Matt sees me and knows something just went down. “What happened now??”
“These 2 idiots didn’t have their dog on a leash and it just attacked Stella and then myself and it was AWWWWFUL!!” I am literally about to cry, I am being so overdramatic.
“Well lets go down there and say something!” I say ok and follow Matt downstairs. We get outside and there they are, that dreadful beast and his bitchy dads.
“Do you guys live here??” I ask.
“Jes, we do.”
“Ok, well there is a rule here that you must have your dog on a leash at the dog park and you guys stood there and allowed my dog to be attacked by yours!”
“Oh pleeeease.” bitched the bitch. “Was jour doggy hurt?”
Matt is pissed off. “Ok we don’t need to hear any of your bullshit and we don’t need you to waste our time. Did your dog attack our dog or not??”
The other one started getting all uppity. “I no haf to leesten to jou!!” The other one was giggling and twirling his hair. Their dog was shitting on his foot but I didn’t have the heart to tell him.
“Yeah, well I don’t have to listen to you either!” Matt yells.
“No, I no leesten to jou, go away.” said the angry one. “Ya, go away, we no leesten!” said his sidekick.
“Well guess what assholes??” I shouted, “I am going to call the condo manager and tell him that you two were BREAKING THE LAW! You guys are fucked now!!” (Clearly, nobody was breaking the law, but these 2 weren’t the brightest colors in the box and I thought they would believe me).
I was still going off on the guys when they turned their backs on us and walked away. I guess they felt like they had the last laugh, but I wasn’t the one walking around with yucky on my shoe. I was exhausted, and just wanted to go back inside; my parents were on their way to our place and it still had to be cleaned. We took the elevator back to our apartment and when the doors opened, we were face to face with our friendly neighbor: Fred. “I can’t deal with you right now,” I said, feeling my headache increase. I stormed back into our place and poured myself a large glass of vodka on the rocks. “Are you going to help me finish cleaning?” Matt asked.
“Forget the cleaning,” I muttered. I decided to go online instead and find a doggy martial arts class. If Stella is going to be dealing with crazy dogs unleashed, it’s time for her to learn some self defense. And I really, really hope I don’t see those guys again.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Vampire Stories
I live next to a vampire.
His name is Fred and he doesn’t look anything like Edward Cullen. Instead, he looks like a big fart stain. I wish I never met him, but he came into my life about a year ago. My friend was in town visiting from New York and we were hanging out at my place with my husband Matt, drinking and catching up. We were having a good time, when I hear a loud knock on my door. I initially freeze up, thinking it’s the cops and we just got busted. Then I came to my senses and realized the narcotics I had sprawled out on my dinner table were well deserved after a hard days work, and at least half legal (thanks grandma!)
The cop knocks again. “I know you‘re in there! I can hear you!”. Matt opens the door and the dude standing in front of us is definitely not a cop, but a 98 pound balding guy with pale skin and a less than intimidating scowl. “It’s 3:00 in the morning and I just got home from work!” cried out the little man. “Can you guys keep it down a little?” Fred attempted to put on his strongest “tough guy“ face. One might have actually bought it if he wasn’t wearing such tight, girl shorts. I could have sworn he had the words “juicy” on his ass.
“What kind of work do you do?” I slurred (I was pretty wasted at the time). “It‘s a night business…that‘s all you have to know.” I wasn’t going to ask anymore questions after that. "Sure, no problem man. Sorry about the inconvenience.” Matt closes the door and we’re sure that is the end of the situation.
A few weeks go by and there is no word of Fred. In fact, we don’t see him at all. I’m pretty sure I made him up in my head except for the fact that there is a basket of fresh red roses constantly decorating his balcony. One Saturday afternoon I go to close our bedroom door when I hear something thump my wall. It completely freaks me out, so I open the door to see if a rat committed suicide in our room. I don’t see any corpses, so I close the door again. Once again, there’s a thump.
“Matt! Our crazy neighbor Fred is totally punching our wall right now!” I open the bedroom door again, only this time I slam it shut. That must have pissed off our neighbor because the thump was way more aggressive this time. I start kicking the wall with all my might and was about to throw a hammer into it when Matt yanks it out of my hand and tells me to stop.
Matt walks over to my nemeses’ door and knocks on it. There is no answer. “Don’t worry, we’ll be back!” I shout at the door. Later on, we knock on his door again and this time he answers. “Hey Matt. Hey Ashley. I was hearing a strange noise this morning so I decided to knock on the wall to experiment and see what was causing it.” By this point I am seeing red.
“Listen Fred. I don’t know what your problem is, but it’s 11:30 on a Saturday and you don’t live in a cottage in the middle of the woods. YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR NOISE!”
Fred turns his head slowly and I swear it’s going to start spinning. “You know, Ashley…I can hear everything. Sometimes when I come home from my “night business” I can hear when you and Matt have relations.”
I almost throw up my egg salad. “That’s enough dude. You are being completely inappropriate right now.” Matt closes the door on him and we can hear his scary vampire laugh behind it.
A few weeks (and many awkward nights) go by and we decide to put flooring into our apartment. I begged and pleaded for the guys to be quiet and not to wake the slumber of the pale beast, but as soon as they brought out their jackhammer, I knew we would be hearing from him. And just like that, as soon as that jackhammer touched our floor, Fred was knocking on our door. “Jesus, you’re KIDDING me!” I open the door and there’s that familiar fucked up face.
“Hey guys, this is totally inappropriate for you to be doing on a Saturday afternoon. I’ve been keeping track of how loud you have been and it hasn’t been good. Last weekend I was sick and you guys kept me up ALL DAY, with your shouting and strange conversations!”
At this point, all hopes of being a civil and decent human being have been erased. I am no longer Ashley Hobbes, but Lucifer, the wild Draconian. I got so mad that a clump of my hair came out. I don’t even remember what exactly happened here, but I do remember clawing at Fred’s face and making fun of his lame pants. Matt pushed me out of the way and closed the door. He tried reasoning with Fred and told him to calm down and that’s when I hear him say: “I should have done what I wanted to do a long time ago, called the fucking cops!” Of course when I hear this I charge outside like I’m Andre the fucking Giant. “CALLTHEFUCKINGCOPS,YOU PSYCHO!I’DLOVETOHEARTHEMLAUGHATYOURSORRYASS WHENYOUGIVEANOISECOMPLAINTATNOONONASATURDAY!CALLTHEMRIGHTNOW!” When I was done my lung collapsed and Matt once again pushes me back into the apartment. “I’m sorry, but I hate your wife” I hear Fred tell Matt as the door is closing…
A few days later, I went to the manager of our condo and told him the situation we had with Fred. And do you know what I was told? Not only is his bedroom nowhere near ours, but our good buddy Fred rents month to month! I’m guessing he spoke with him because the next day we received a typed up note taped on our door. It read:
Matt and Ashley,
I wanted to let you know I did not initiate a complaint with the building about the noise in your apartment on Saturday. The reason I feel I have to mention this is that I received a phone call from management today apologizing for the noise. I wanted you to know that after we discussed it, I did not complain (though later the noise was so excessive I left my apartment for several hours).
I haven’t seen Fred since. I know he’s still here; I can see his blood roses blooming on his balcony, and if I listen really close I can hear the faint sound of videogames being played. I know our vampire neighbor is out there, but hopefully he has found a new victim to destroy. I’m sure this isn’t the last of Fred, so I will keep you all posted about our next endeavor!
His name is Fred and he doesn’t look anything like Edward Cullen. Instead, he looks like a big fart stain. I wish I never met him, but he came into my life about a year ago. My friend was in town visiting from New York and we were hanging out at my place with my husband Matt, drinking and catching up. We were having a good time, when I hear a loud knock on my door. I initially freeze up, thinking it’s the cops and we just got busted. Then I came to my senses and realized the narcotics I had sprawled out on my dinner table were well deserved after a hard days work, and at least half legal (thanks grandma!)
The cop knocks again. “I know you‘re in there! I can hear you!”. Matt opens the door and the dude standing in front of us is definitely not a cop, but a 98 pound balding guy with pale skin and a less than intimidating scowl. “It’s 3:00 in the morning and I just got home from work!” cried out the little man. “Can you guys keep it down a little?” Fred attempted to put on his strongest “tough guy“ face. One might have actually bought it if he wasn’t wearing such tight, girl shorts. I could have sworn he had the words “juicy” on his ass.
“What kind of work do you do?” I slurred (I was pretty wasted at the time). “It‘s a night business…that‘s all you have to know.” I wasn’t going to ask anymore questions after that. "Sure, no problem man. Sorry about the inconvenience.” Matt closes the door and we’re sure that is the end of the situation.
A few weeks go by and there is no word of Fred. In fact, we don’t see him at all. I’m pretty sure I made him up in my head except for the fact that there is a basket of fresh red roses constantly decorating his balcony. One Saturday afternoon I go to close our bedroom door when I hear something thump my wall. It completely freaks me out, so I open the door to see if a rat committed suicide in our room. I don’t see any corpses, so I close the door again. Once again, there’s a thump.
“Matt! Our crazy neighbor Fred is totally punching our wall right now!” I open the bedroom door again, only this time I slam it shut. That must have pissed off our neighbor because the thump was way more aggressive this time. I start kicking the wall with all my might and was about to throw a hammer into it when Matt yanks it out of my hand and tells me to stop.
Matt walks over to my nemeses’ door and knocks on it. There is no answer. “Don’t worry, we’ll be back!” I shout at the door. Later on, we knock on his door again and this time he answers. “Hey Matt. Hey Ashley. I was hearing a strange noise this morning so I decided to knock on the wall to experiment and see what was causing it.” By this point I am seeing red.
“Listen Fred. I don’t know what your problem is, but it’s 11:30 on a Saturday and you don’t live in a cottage in the middle of the woods. YOU’RE GOING TO HEAR NOISE!”
Fred turns his head slowly and I swear it’s going to start spinning. “You know, Ashley…I can hear everything. Sometimes when I come home from my “night business” I can hear when you and Matt have relations.”
I almost throw up my egg salad. “That’s enough dude. You are being completely inappropriate right now.” Matt closes the door on him and we can hear his scary vampire laugh behind it.
A few weeks (and many awkward nights) go by and we decide to put flooring into our apartment. I begged and pleaded for the guys to be quiet and not to wake the slumber of the pale beast, but as soon as they brought out their jackhammer, I knew we would be hearing from him. And just like that, as soon as that jackhammer touched our floor, Fred was knocking on our door. “Jesus, you’re KIDDING me!” I open the door and there’s that familiar fucked up face.
“Hey guys, this is totally inappropriate for you to be doing on a Saturday afternoon. I’ve been keeping track of how loud you have been and it hasn’t been good. Last weekend I was sick and you guys kept me up ALL DAY, with your shouting and strange conversations!”
At this point, all hopes of being a civil and decent human being have been erased. I am no longer Ashley Hobbes, but Lucifer, the wild Draconian. I got so mad that a clump of my hair came out. I don’t even remember what exactly happened here, but I do remember clawing at Fred’s face and making fun of his lame pants. Matt pushed me out of the way and closed the door. He tried reasoning with Fred and told him to calm down and that’s when I hear him say: “I should have done what I wanted to do a long time ago, called the fucking cops!” Of course when I hear this I charge outside like I’m Andre the fucking Giant. “CALLTHEFUCKINGCOPS,YOU PSYCHO!I’DLOVETOHEARTHEMLAUGHATYOURSORRYASS WHENYOUGIVEANOISECOMPLAINTATNOONONASATURDAY!CALLTHEMRIGHTNOW!” When I was done my lung collapsed and Matt once again pushes me back into the apartment. “I’m sorry, but I hate your wife” I hear Fred tell Matt as the door is closing…
A few days later, I went to the manager of our condo and told him the situation we had with Fred. And do you know what I was told? Not only is his bedroom nowhere near ours, but our good buddy Fred rents month to month! I’m guessing he spoke with him because the next day we received a typed up note taped on our door. It read:
Matt and Ashley,
I wanted to let you know I did not initiate a complaint with the building about the noise in your apartment on Saturday. The reason I feel I have to mention this is that I received a phone call from management today apologizing for the noise. I wanted you to know that after we discussed it, I did not complain (though later the noise was so excessive I left my apartment for several hours).
I haven’t seen Fred since. I know he’s still here; I can see his blood roses blooming on his balcony, and if I listen really close I can hear the faint sound of videogames being played. I know our vampire neighbor is out there, but hopefully he has found a new victim to destroy. I’m sure this isn’t the last of Fred, so I will keep you all posted about our next endeavor!
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