I get that I live in sunny Florida, where the locals are most proud of their citrus. However, this was just unnecessary. Nobody should love orange juice this much.
I was grocery shopping after work with my husband, Matt. It was Monday after work and we were exhausted; however, our grocery store is awesome and we like to visit and see the sights. Some people visit museums; I visit my grocery store. That‘s just how I roll.
I decided to test my culinary skills and cook spaghetti squash with balsamic beans. I was super focused on my task; so much that I didn’t see/hear/acknowledge the messy looking woman in front of the orange juice section. I’m in grocery store-zone, and nothing could distract me right now.
All of a sudden, I am taken aback by a mumble. “Kuh uh burruh yuh phuh?” I look up and see that I am face to face with a B rated version of Heidi Fleiss.
“Excuse me?”
“Kuh uh burruh yuh phuh?”
I see that she is staring at my phone lodged in my pocket. “Oh, you want to borrow my phone?”
“Juh fuh a suckin. Muh phuh bruhk.”
I sigh. This is the situation that I HATE being in, that I try with all of my might to avoid. Once I am in grocery store-zone, the only people that exist are myself, Matt, the sweet old check out lady and the mentally retarded bag boy. That is my happy family, and there is no room for Heidi Fleiss.
“Ok, I guess you can borrow my phone…”
“Uhh thunk yuh”. She nearly bites the phone out of my hand and starts dialing. I try to stand away from her, give her some privacy. I feel good about myself! I did my mitzvah of the day, helping this poor ex madam get a hold of someone she desperately needed to talk to. Maybe she was running away from her past life and trying to start over, going to culinary school to become a cook. Chef Heidi Fleiss, making the world a better place.
All of this is going through my mind when I notice that 5 minutes have gone by and she has disappeared. I look around and see her pacing through the orange juice section, laughing and having a gay ol time. I make eye contact with a grocery store attendant who looks like Biggy Smalls, and he is shaking his head at me, clearly thinking I am a big pussy. Not one to lose my street cred, I approach her, trying to keep my cool.
“Excuse me?”
She doesn’t hear me/ ignores me. .
“HELLO? Are you done with my phone yet?”
Heidi turns around, surprised to see me there. “Yuh, gimme a suc, I need tuh know wuh orunge juhc tuh buhy” I am ready to drop a bitch at this point but I looove my grocery store and would be really depressed if I got kicked out. I take a deep breath (the super deep breath that they teach you in Pilates) and walk away from her so she could finish up. I’m thinking to myself, she’s probably just going to say good bye now. I mean, that’s what I would do and she should be happy to have met such a kind, giving person such as myself. Just be patient…
I look over and see that she is in NO rush to end her conversation! I walk over and Heidi is still trying to figure out what orange juice to buy! This is not a woman who is trying to change her life for the better; she’s probably out right now buying orange juice for the whole damn brothel!
I’ve reached my limit at this point. I storm over, take the phone right out of her hand, end the conversation and walk away. I hear her apologizing behind me, but I am not ready to accept. I was in grocery store- zone, after all.
Hilarious. Keep writing!
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